Borrow Their Eyes First
Before you decide someone overreacted, stand where they were standing. The view from their seat usually explains everything.
Someone does something that looks careless, cold, or over-the-top, and judgment arrives instantly. Why would they snap like that? Who does that?
The judgment feels like clarity. It's usually just a missing piece — the piece you'd have if you were sitting in their chair.
Assume there's a reason you can't see
Almost nobody acts randomly. The friend who went quiet, the coworker who overreacted, the partner who shut down — each of them had a chain of reasons that made their move feel obvious from the inside. Empathy starts the moment you get curious about that chain instead of grading the outcome.
Judgment is what you reach for when you've stopped asking why.
Trade the verdict for a question
Notice the moment you think "that was ridiculous." That's your cue you've stopped imagining their side.
Ask yourself: what would have to be true for a reasonable person to do that? Then look for it.
Instead of deciding, say "walk me through what that was like for you." Let them hand you the missing piece.
- Name the feeling you're hearing before you offer a fix.
- Guess gently: "It sounds like you were hurt — is that right?"
- You don't have to solve it; you have to show you noticed.
- Resist the silver lining. Sit with them in it first.
- Before advising, ask: do you want comfort or solutions?
- Delete "at least" from your comfort vocabulary — nothing kind follows it.
- Say "that makes sense" out loud before you offer a single fix.
- Marshall B. Rosenberg. Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life — PuddleDancer Press (2003; on observing needs behind behavior instead of evaluating it)